Monday 31 December 2007

My New Years Resolutions


What a better way to make sure I keep them than to post them on the internet huh?

In the interests of keeping them, im going to make it a short list.

1. Start my Gold Presidents Award.
2. Study more, faff about less. That probably should read stay away from sidereel....
3. Try and become a more patient, tolerant person.
4. Don't take it personally when other people f**k up.


There we go.

I might amend this. Feel free to poke me if I'm slipping!

Thin

Just watched this documentary. Fascinating look inside an eating disorder facility, something you would never get to see normally.

The one thing that suprised me was that the attitude of a lot of the health professionals working with these people. It was condescension, contempt and suspicion. And I think the reason is because ED makes people act in sneaky and deceitful ways. But you'd have thought that these professionals of all people would understand this, and be kind.

What are your thoughts? Are they right to treat the patients like delinquents? Is it just because I've never worked in this kind of situation and I don't understand how it really is?

And another thing that struck me was that a lot of the workers in the facility were obese.....

Sunday 30 December 2007

Revulsion

Last night I was at a party with my mum, an adult party of friends of hers. I guess, 50-60 year olds.

Anyway, the evening wore on, and one man in particular got talking. He works for St.Vincent de Paul,(SVP) a charitable organisation here in Ireland that help out people when they are really in need. Bails people out when they can't go on, gives food vouchers to those who need them etc. etc. Lots of really good work.

But this man said some things that made my skin crawl. He started off
"I know we have many nations living here now, and lots of diversity, and thats fine, but there is one community that will never integrate here. And that is the African community"

He practically spat the words.

Hmm......... I'm thinking, how many integrated Poles (and theres 250,000 of them here, with our whole population being only about 4 million) do you see? I suppose their fantastic integration abilities are the reason that everywhere you go you see signs written in Polish? Or the Chinese community, another fantastic example of integration, hah! And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that its particularly their fault because of their racial background or whatever, but its not like they are really any better at it than the African community (and come to think of it, I actually know quite a few Africans, but I don't know any Polish or any Chinese). So whats his point? Well, it pretty quickly became quite clear that its because they're "blacks".

He told a story, about an African immigrant whose husband had left her and the kids high and dry, who was really struggling.

"And, don't get me wrong, she was a very nice lady, very nice, and quite attractive in her own way, for that type, except that there is the smell of course.......Anyway, she came to me and asked for money to pay for her child's pre-school. Well, I thought, really why did she need to send the child to pre-school, but she was a nice lady and she was asking me so we agreed that SVP would pay half, and she would pay half as long as she brought a receipt and showed us. So she did, but THEN.....then I found out later that it was FALSE. And the child had never been to play school at all!!! Because the play school that the receipt was from had shut down two years before, and someone had signed the receipt for her. Well I thought, thats the last time I'm taken in by a black!"

Now, obviously what the woman did was wrong, but a few people pointed out certain things.
Did this gentleman not feel that the Irish person who signed the false receipt was partly to blame in the whole thing?

"No! No, the white (yes he actually made a point of highlighting the whiteness, unprompted) who signed the receipt was not to blame, because it was her, it was her who decided to scam us."
And would you have given her the money (only 200euros, not the end of the world) if she had told you she needed it for something else?

"No. Absolutely not."
So this woman, being in a pretty tight spot, did something dishonest to get her family out of trouble, because she knew that that was the only way that she could get that money. Fair enough, it was wrong, but it wasn't the worst in the world.

And I can understand why he was annoyed; he gives up his time to give wisely the money that has been donated, and then his trust was abused. That would make anyone angry.


But I got the distinct impression that it wasn't this that really got him. There were other stories he told, such as about Irish Travellers(white as the driven snow!) who had abused the SVP, and he never seemed quite as annoyed about those. No, it was because this woman was black, and in his eyes he had been done by an inferior who should have been grateful that they would even offer charity at all to her "kind"! In fact, he made a point of telling another story about another "black" that annoyed him, just to drive it home.

And so many Irish people think like this. This is one of the things I hate about here.

I thought I was going to have to leave, I felt so sickened. Complete and utter revulsion for everything that p***k shited on about.

But hey, I've been well brought up, one doesn't make a scene in polite company.

I wonder though, what he would think if he met someone like the girl on the right in this photo.

Sunday 23 December 2007

To clarify on stupidity

Wow, Im impressed by the number of people commenting on the visa-marriage!
To clear things up, love does not come into this. Which my friend sees as a plus. She says she would never get married because she was madly in love with someone (and she has a point, rushed head-over-heels marriages usually go wrong too). But doing the immigrant "a favour" by contracting herself to him is ok. I don't know, maybe shes right because she isn't under any illusion that its going to be happily ever after, but she thinks that she KNOWS him well enough that she is SURE he won't ever try and screw her over. I don't know...even after years you can think you know someone and be proven wrong. So after two months, is it a good idea? I think I'm going to have to give up on this one, because it will like Ellisa said drive her away; we already fought today because I think she is being unbelievably stupid. But arrrgh!!!! Its so frustrating. She's no better than a mail-order bride (and hey, they usually have good reason to do it, like poverty or chance-of-a-better-life or something).


Ugh, whatever. If she insists on making her bed this way then she's just gonna have to lie in it.

White Christmas

Which is never gonna happen in grey and dreary Irl, but this is well cute!

Let me be more specific

Since you've all been so kind as to advise me on my "Stupid" dilemma, I thought I'd give you a little more info.

Stupid, in my opinion, is deciding to MARRY an illegal immigrant that you've been in a non-serious relationship with for TWO MONTHS, so that they can get a VISA.

Stupid is also giving up the great job that you have to do this, and being only 20.


Am I right? Please tell me I'm right. And if I'm wrong, please give me a good reason why, because this is wrecking my head.

Happy Christmas everyone, and thank you for listening!

Saturday 22 December 2007

Stupid

So, if someone you care about a lot is, in your opinion, doing something incredibly stupid, do you

a) Support them in their decision because they are your friend.

b) Wash your hands of it because you tried telling them what a fool they are being and they wont listen.

Answers on a postcard. Please.

Thursday 20 December 2007

Land of a hundred thousand welcomes

'Cos baby that's all we got.

I always feel funny about going/coming home. And I've done it a few times at this point. Even when I'm looking forward to it beforehand, everything changes once my journey is underway. I suppose its the love-hate relationship I have with Ireland. When I'm here, there are a multitude of things I loathe, everything frustrates and depresses me. I hate that I am associated with such shambles, and I long for escape.

When I'm away, it takes on a rosier glow. I notice all the things that I love and miss, I think wistfully about the things that just aren't the same anywhere else, I wear my Irish idiosyncrasies with pride, and look forward to coming home, if not eagerly, then not with dread.

I know I like my country better when I'm not in it. In know I like being a foreigner. I like that people can't put me in a box because they can't place my accent, or my way of doing things. I like being that little bit different. I like being able to distance myself from things by saying, "this isn't my country, thus it does not apply to me". I like the anonymity, the freedom of not being constrained by what your countrymen expect you to be because they know your parents, your class, what religion your family might be, where you went to school etc. etc. I like being able to forget the bad things about Ireland. I like to remember the good. I like to have national pride, something I'm not usually unduly keen on.

What do I hate about coming home? The reality of it all. How no matter how much you want it to be different it never is. You can never get out of the rut you have created for yourself; no one will ever let you. I hate the feeling of unreality, of distance, of "I shouldn't be here, I don't belong". I hate waking up in the mornings and wishing I was somewhere else.

Eventually of course it wears off, you resume your mechanations, and you forget how it feels to be somewhere else.

I was looking forward to coming home for Christmas. I think a 50:50 mix of reluctance and excitement. And its not so bad. But its always a let down isn't it? No matter how much you try to be realistic about your expectations, you always imagine it better. Just one other way your brain tries to screw you I suppose.

So I made it on to the plane, and it is a mercifully short hop across the water. I do love flying (not the lack of legroom, non-reclining seats, the other passengers, or the tedium of airports). I love the freedom, the beauty, the purity and endless possibility of being literally above it all. Is there anything more amazing than looking out across a rippling cloud, with the sun shooting golden and red sparks from a wing tip? Don't you love how its always sunny above the clouds? I like the way you feel as if you are nowhere. You are in limbo. You can't do anything, nobody expects you to, you have no place, you have nothing; such an immense freedom.
And then, the plane drops a little, grey fuzz obscures your view, and the sun is lost. Below you, out of the gloom, the malevolent little island appears, its darkness pulling you, beckoning you to its despair. It lies waiting, bleak and hopeless as your little craft which moments ago had been so full of light and possibility is sucked ever downwards.

The sky is grey, as usual, and a light drizzle is falling. The captain announces the temperature, always something grim. You trudge across the sodden tarmac and into the bright and hideous building. You are taken aback by the sheer overwhelming ugliness of it all. Eventually the airport disgorges you, and you wait......wait....to go home.

And home feels odd...it doesn't fit. You feel awkward, clunky with the people; square peg round hole.


But after a while your corners soften, you suck it up and get on with it. And really, its not so bad. Its just the agony of "coming home". And you know you will do it again. And you know you will forget until you are reminded.

But I want this one for posterity.





Fat=Good?

This is fascinating.

Sunday 16 December 2007

My first pair of pilfered scrubs...


How happy am I? Got to see surgery twice!!!!! And I loved it. Especially wearing scrubs.. Except they call them "theatre greens".....And now they're mine.....MINE!!!!

Ok, enough crazy.

Going home today, eek! More update later...

Wednesday 12 December 2007

Worst blogger EVER.

That would be me then.

I don't know why I haven't posted, I have so many things I want to say.

Anyway, nearly finished my first semester at med school, I can hardly believe it!! Going home to the aul emerald isle on Sunday......so weird, going home after so long, having adopted here as my new life.....

Can't wait to see my cat though.....any my family of course.... ;)

Happy holidays to everyone who is finishing term!


Saturday 1 December 2007

World AIDS Day

Saw this, thought is was pretty powerful.

Saturday 10 November 2007

I'm bald


Went to a hairdresser where you can get a fantastically cheap haircut today. Only cost me £10. But I don't have a lot of hair left.......


On the other hand, this was the first time I've been to the hairdresser and not nearly cried because of the torture. I can't normally stand the way they yank your hair constantly, or the pain of those washing basins on the back of your neck, or the trauma of getting a blow-dry.......I know, I'm a wuss, but really, it HURTS me!!!!!

But in this place, they had soft neck-thingys on the washbasins, the wash was so relaxing I nearly fell asleep, and the blow-dry didn't make my eyes water at all!

But I think me being so relaxed and happy might be why I didn't notice how much hair was getting cut off.

Oh well, I guess this way it'll last longer...

Consultation skills

This week we had another round of consultation skills. We have it about three times a semester I think, and we've been building up our history taking etc. gradually. This weeks' title was "dealing with emotions and feelings in the structured consultation" or something like that.

Woopee I thought. After the last dire 4hour session, I was NOT looking forward to this. But, I was hoping that it would be useful in dealing with patients, as there had been a few sessions in Primary Care where we had sensed that there were emotional issues under the surface, but too afraid of a meltdown to go near them.

What I was not expecting was the harrowing, draining barrel of emotional turmoil (tears n'all!) that we got. And I mean from us, not the "patient".

For our consultation skills classes we have our PBL group, one or two tutors and an actor who plays out the role of different patients.

We had had a lecture earlier in the week on dealing with emotions. Here they stressed to us the importance of being empathetic, but not necessarily sympathetic. Now I do understand the difference, and I do know why it is important. One of the tutors gave us a nice little picture to illustrate it. She said "imagine you are at the top of a cliff and there is someone stuck at the bottom in great distress. Sympathy is climbing down to comfort them, but not bringing anything with you to get you both back out. Empathy is recognising the problem and the distress, and going off to get a rope to pull them up with." which I though was pretty neat. But my issue is this: is it really possible, as a feeling human being, to deeply empathise with someone and feel nothing? Is it just a question of time and experience that will teach us to see pain but distance ourselves from it? Another thing that confused me was that they said it is possible to learn to be empathetic, that you can know what to say and do with someone to appear empathetic, but not to fake empathy because the patient will always know! Now what's the difference between using formulaic empathy and faking empathy? Not much as I see it. Anyway, there wasn't much problem with a lack of empathy in our class, but probably an excess of sympathy....

The scenarios that the actor played out were all very sad. The kind of awful upsetting things that happen every day, and that you as a doctor, or anyone, can do nothing about. I know that they say just turning an ear can be enough, but don't you hate that feeling of desperately wanting to make it better, to do something, to fix the pain, and not being able to? And for some reason it all felt completely real. Initially I thought I was just being "sensitive", but when I talked to the group a lot of others felt the same. I wasn't the only one who welled up.

The other thing that was a little distressing was that 2 of the scenarios played out almost exactly what had happened to 2 people in our group. It wasn't something I expected, but it made it extremely difficult to be "professional" and distance yourself emotionally when what the patient is saying keeps giving you flashes of your own past. But strangely enough, I found it was easier to be in the position of "Dr." and directly involved in the consultation than it was to watch someone else. I guess the latter was a little bit like a sad film.

Afterwards, I felt drained, flattened, worn out the the way you do when you have cried until your eyes are raw. But I was glad we had done it, because I now feel much more able to deal with any emotional situations that might arise in consultations. Before there was a terrible fear of the unknown; of being unprofessional, of saying the wrong thing, letting the patient down. I guess its one of those "fear of the unknown" things; its never as bad as you imagine it.

Man alive, what am I going to be like when we do our "breaking bad news" class?????






Thursday 8 November 2007

Feeling sorry for myself...

The sciatica is back. With a vengeance. Just when I thought it was all safe to be normal again..

Story goes, I come off the dicofenac, the pain comes back! But wait, there's more! I have NEW symptoms! Hooray! Lovely stabbing pain in my calf, and a delightfully painful numbness and tingling in my foot.

So I made a desperate trip to the on-the day Dr, who luckily happened to be the same one as I saw before. I'm back on the diclofenac, and I've got to see her in a week to check my progression and if necessary discuss referral. yay! Although, I have to say, despite my moaning, I am blessed to be able to use the NHS. Free Dr appointments, almost free prescriptions, being able to see a dr on the day, its AMAZING. Ye who complain, come to Ireland.

Right, sorry for the bitch, I needed it.

Wednesday 7 November 2007

Oh the shame.....


So the thing I was dreading happened. I got woozy in the anatomy room and had to leave and take a sit down.

Now, considering I did a whole year of vet anatomy, and didn't have a single pre-syncopal episode the entire time, i don't really get why this happened.

Theory number one is the standing got me.....but we had to stand in vet for hours too...

Theory number two is low blood sugar.....but I'd had breakfast.

Theory number three (and this is the one I sorta think might actually apply) is that I have a huge mental problem with anatomy rooms following veterinary. Towards the end of last year, if found it really hard to make myself go to anatomy. Instead of getting used to it over time, I was fine to begin with, and then after the months and months of stinky stinky dead things, I just couldn't stand it any more!!!! The smell would just make me want to throw up. And it was also incredibly dull....

So I was kinda dreading today...

Could it be that I was just freaked out by the dead bits? I don't know. I wasn't consciously freaked out. I'm looking at the shrivelled yellow arm and going "woopee, here we go again" in my head and the next thing I've got that all-the-blood-is-leaving-my-face feeling.

Either way, I'm THAT girl now......great.

Monday 5 November 2007

All I want for Christmas....

Is this.
Just look at the beauty of that 3d pelvis!!!




And I'm kinda annoyed that my Uni doesn't provide it, because I've used the free trial, and its AMAZING. And other Uni's do (ahem, Peninsula, ahem) Oh well, its only 155eur, looks like I might have to go back to the 'ol job...


On another note, I am very excited about the possibility of seeing Vieux Farka Toure in London.....if I can get a ticket.

Fingers crossed!

Sunday 28 October 2007

Update

Thanks for all the comments on my sciatica post, the good news its much better. The bad news is it hasn't completely gone away and I'm terrified of doing anything in case I make it worse. As I have no idea what caused it in the first place, I can't really rule anything out. Anyway, I'll keep on the diclofenac for the month and pester the GP then if it isn't gone. The plus side I suppose is that the diclofenac is making my knees feel fantastic!

Medicine wise, I have been spectacularly unproductive. I had so many plans for a weeks end of review and revision, and cracking into some anatomy, but somehow it never happened. I blame sidereel.com and my addiction to Desperate Housewives.... I think maybe I'm like Cal in that I need to be under pressure to be efficient. If I don't have loads to do I just mess about.
Also, this weeks objectives in PBL were pretty wishy-washy even by my standards. Hard to get motivated about. . So here's hoping next week is more exciting! Although, by the look of the timetable, I doubt it.

My mum was here for the bones of a week, and actually despite my worries it went really well. I think Lis was right, moving out is the best thing you can do to improve your relationship with your mother. You appreciate each other so much more. It makes me miss home when things are good between us. Well, i guess Christmas will tell. Which is actually starting to get really close (although not so close that we need to see Christmas food in the shops, take note Mr. Marks and Spencers). How can I have been here so long already? I definitely need to get more productive.



Did anyone else see that article in the Sunday Times Magazine today about the school in the US which treats behavioural disorders (anything from severely autistic children to juvenile delinquents) by hooking them up to electrodes and a battery pack 24 hours a day and shocking them whenever they are "bold"? It was unbelievable, and horrifying, and I just couldn't understand why this institution hasn't been shut down!!!! And, they offer NO psychiatric treatment, just a punishment/reward treatment. Crazy.

This week in primary care I saw a 14yr old with diabetes. Onset of 3yrs. They were amazing because they were so ok with the whole thing. If I was diagnosed with diabetes I would completely freak out, and stress about managing it the whole time. But the patient was really relaxed, had good glucose control, and didn't seem to have any problems with fitting it into her social life. That said, the mother was in the room and did most of the talking. I wonder if she would have said anyting different had she not been there.

In contrast, another one of our group saw a girl of 12, also diabetic (diagnosed at 3yrs), who had a very different outlook on the whole thing. She was very upset about it, had no confidence in her future, didn't think she would ever be able to leave home, get a job, go to university etc. The mother was also stressed out. She didn't seem to be letting the child out of her sight, and was pretty paranoid about the whole thing. But maybe that comes from having to deal with it for so much longer. It obviously wasn't nice when she had to hold her child down to inject it repeatedly each day for so long.

Two very different patients with the same disease. Which I suppose is supposed to get us thinking about disease vs. illness (if we haven't enough already). For anyone who doesn't know, disease is what the patient gets, but illness is how they experience that disease and how it affects their life. Which our medical school are very keen that we think about. A lot. But its probably a good thing, because all doctors start out wanting to always see the patiet and their illness, but so many end up just seeing the disease. Maybe all this focus on it will help protect us? I hope so.


__________________________________




My parents brought me up on a diet of classical music, but as I grew older I naturally drifted into other genres. But from time to time I find myself returning to it. Which is what happened today when I stumbled upon Classic FM. It also helps that what is playing right now is the top 100 most relaxing classics, and not full on opera (which I can't stand). Drift on......


Other fantastically exciting news from my part of the world: I made my second lentil lasagne in the slow cooker, and it was again delicious! If only I hadn't eaten the whole thing..... And coming up soon, stewed apple (with apples that my mummy brought me from the garden)! T'is the season after all, right? I really don't want to do all that peeling though....

Well, think that's my update for the moment, a suitably random and not very exciting post. I'm working on other ideas, I promise!


See you soon!

Friday 19 October 2007

This sucks.


I have sciatica. It hurts. Really, really hurts. Especially when I sit. Which kinda sucks for lectures/seminars/PBL/studying.....i.e everything medicine related. And the painkillers don't work. So I'm feeling generally moany and grumpy. Apologies. I needed to share.

Sunday 14 October 2007

Excitement

Lis is coming to visit me!!!!! Wooooohooooo!!!!!

Thursday 11 October 2007

Thursday, 11th October 2007

Because I can't think of a better title.

I like this university. That is such a strange thing for me to say, I almost can't believe I've said it. But I've said it to several people. So it must be true.

PBL is good, I think we are ironing out the wrinkles. Sometimes I do think that people are not using the best sources (Wikipedia is fine to satisfy your curiosity, but please don't quote it as a reference), but at least its not too important yet. And my own work is hardly the most astoundingly brilliant stuff.

IPL is a bit more tricky, namely because we're not really sure what the hell we're actually meant to be doing; its all a bit vague. Could somebody give us a big shove in the right direction? Please? We don't quite look like the perfect MDT below.....


Primary care is brilliant, I love it! Its so amazingly different to be sitting on the other side of the door,actually being in the consults. I'm surprised at how happy patients seem to be for medical students to be in the room. I don't think I would like it, but maybe I'm just sensitive. And I HATE going to the doctor, so it kinda figures. They (patients) just completely ignore us and seem totally uninhibited by our presence; thank you patients.



The other thing we do is interview patients in pairs. As we obviously don't have any clinical skills, our "examinations" go as far as talking to them. Despite being told in consultation skills that if we just sat back and listened that the patients would tell us everything, I didn't quite believe it. Well, its true. You can't actually get a question in with some of them! Which is fantastic, because awkward silences suck, and they really presume we know what we're doing, which we really, really don't.



Its interesting to see how other students talk to patients. Some of them seem quite insensitive, and not able to read the situation very well. I was a little embarrassed when my colleague asked a quite blunt question about socio-economic status that didn't really seem relevant or necessary. But I guess we're all learning, and I'm no saint myself. How do you teach yourself to eh stop um going eh.....um.... all the time? In my opinion, people who don't do it are amazing. Tips please!

Sometimes I'm surprised about the things that med students don't know. (Please don't think I'm being arrogant) One thing that shocked (and kinda horrified me to tell you the truth) was that during a lecture on cultural and ethnic differences and the issues that raises with pregnant women was that only about 5 people in a room of 30 knew what Female Genital Mutilation/Female Circumcision was. I would have thought that it would be something that medical students are aware of, especially because its the kind of "hot topic" that people read up on for interviews.

But I've noticed a lot of people don't seem to have a very culturally/ethnically broad "world perspective" of medicine and patients; maybe they think it doesn't matter if they want to practise solely in Britain's NHS (considering the amount of immigrants in the UK though this does seem a little short-sighted). And indeed, all our training is about preparing us to work in the NHS. Sometimes I find this annoying because I have noticed quite a few differences even between England and Ireland, so outside of Western Europe the odds are there are going to be even more. Do we have to be trained only to become "NHS Doctors"? Can't we be trained to be Doctors who are competent at working in the NHS? And yes, I know that it is the British taxpayer who is providing my medical education so maybe I should just shut up and be thankful, but all the same......

Haven't had any "special" cases yet, but at this young and naive stage of my life every patient is fascinating. I hope I won't lose that interest.

The doctors we are working with are very very good at what they do. I don't mean their diagnoses/treatment, because I can't really tell yet (but judging by the high standards they have in everything else, it can't be too bad), but they are so good at listening to what the patient is actually telling them and giving clear advice and good reassurance. I have never been a patient of doctors that acted like this. I very much want to be like them, and am so thankful for the opportunity to get to work with them.

Wednesday 3 October 2007

Private Practice

Sucks! Its a far cry from Grey's. And we all know, Grey's isn't exactly the most factually-based medically accurate show out there. But Private Practice just takes silliness to a whole new level. Addison has completely lost her hard-ass surgeon role, and gone all fluffy round the edges. And doing a c-section out of theatre with acupuncture as anaesthetic? In L.A? C'mon producers, how stupid do you think we are?

That said, I'm sure I will be following the series avidly, I can't resist a medical soap, no matter how dumb.



Sunday 30 September 2007

I think....

That someone is tap-dancing on my ceiling...... That's what it sounds like anyway....


Saturday 29 September 2007

Things are good.



Not my usual tone of title but that's how I feel!
I've managed to get over my induction week freak-out (haha, they were just trying to scare us), and I'm feeling well settled in.

We had our first PBL case this week and I think it went pretty well. I definitely haven't done enough study from it, but, hopefully, I will, and apart from that the seminars and wrap-up and all that stuff went fine which suits me just dandy!

A lot of people are complaining that the course isn't challenging enough, and it is a well known fact (the course directors even spelled it out) that our first semester isn't exactly open-heart-surgery stimulating kind of stuff... But, having been through part of a course where I was completely shattered from the workload of the first semester, I am ok with this. I know it will get a lot harder ( and only after Christmas, come on people, its hardly 3months!) soon enough. And I think its good that we get to grips with how this course is structured before the work piles on.

Had "consultation skills" this week. Now I know a lot of med students and doctors bitch about these classes because they think its all too touchy-feely, namby-pamby and completely pointless in the practice of clinical medicine. Well, I don't think it is. Ok, some of the stuff does seem silly (there is an awful lot of "how does that make you feel?", and personally, if a Dr asked me what I "was hoping to get out of the consultation today" I would have a very low opinion of their competence). But on the whole I think its a really good thing. And the weird thing is (even though the interview process was supposed to weed these ones out) you can already see who are going to be the hard ass "people-are-diseases-so-treat-them-that-way" kind of doctors. And I think consult skills will do them a lot of good. And they do teach you some useful stuff that will really make it easier for us I think. So, so far so good. Plus, roleplay is all about the acting which I LOVE!!!

Not so excited about having to read scientific papers, but oh well I suppose its good to get us started young......

And next week, I get to go and poke real live people......woot!

Possibly the best thing about this uni though is the fact that it has an olympic size swimming pool. Swimming makes me happy. And I just went this afternoon, which possibly accounts for my overly cheery & optimistic tone.

Watch this space for a return to form....

Thursday 20 September 2007

London Baby!!!

I have the whole day free tomorrow, so I am going to take advantage of this and head down to the bright lights to see V, who I miss terribly!!!



And maybe even....oh the excitement.......ROLLER DISCO!!!!!

I don't think I'll be looking quite like the above though.

Fingers x'd!

Wednesday 19 September 2007

Daunted

Well, after one thing or another I am arrived! Have nearly done my first week at med school....

How was it for me? Well... SO much stuff has been difficult and awkward and frustrating, namely;

Trying to get a bank account if your not English is an extremely lengthy and fussy process.

Trying to get a mobile phone if you don't have a bank account is impossible.

Paying accomodation fees is impossible if you don't have a bank account.

Registering for anything is more difficult if you don't have a mobile phone.

Connecting to the internet in my room was a NIGHTMARE.

Buying train tickets online is flat out IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!

None of this stuff has put me in a good mood. And this week has been super dull 'cos its all intro lectures. But hopefully, (PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE) things will improve next week when things get going for real.

I guess whats really bothering me (and making me so damn whiny) is that I hate going through all that not-knowing-anyone-well phase. Its makes you feel very lonely in the acres of free time that you have... But I know this has to be gone through, and I will get over it very soon. Its just getting there.....

I have to say everyone on the course seems very friendly. I have a few friends...Mostly graduates, as being somewhere between school leaver and graduate I think I fit in with them better. I hope this all gets easier soon! But as they say, life isn't easy.

The course seems well structured, but its going to take a bit of getting used to the PBL-based format (which obviously I chose for a reason, but after my bad experiences in Vet I've been a bit put off)

The older years say our first year is basically a bit wishy-washy and crap, but I think (hope) thats what you realise when you go on to the more complex/stimulating material in higher years.

We've been given an absolutely enormous "registration pack" containing a daunting amount of information, the focus of which is mostly "standards of professional behaviour", "fitness to practice", "how not to get sued/thrown out of med school", "don't f**k up or we'll kill you" and last but not least "YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES, YOU ARE NOW A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, NEVER FORGET THIS".



I think I'm just feeling a little daunted by the whole thing. I wasn't expecting to, after having tried so hard to get here, and thought it all through, and been so excited and looked forward to it for so long....and now I just feel nervous and uncertain. The way ahead seems too steep and arduous, the pressures and responsibilities too great, the workload too heavy. Even though I knew this is what medicine is, even though I thought I was, somehow, despite everything, I don't feel ready.


Friday 14 September 2007

Today's the day..

The teddy bears have their pic-nic.....


No, sorry, its actually the day I move into my room. Getting well nervous now. Have been round to the Uni to try and open a bank account etc., I still don't really think I'm staying. I feel like I'm on holidays. Unfortunately, the holidays are over for a very long time now.....

Sunday 9 September 2007

Panic

Its 10pm. I have to get up at 5am..... And I'm still packing


SH**T!!!!!!!




Oh man oh man oh man oh man...........

Dear Lord WHY am I on the internet??? This is soo not helping!!

Saturday 8 September 2007

Packing

Tomorrow we load the car... I seem to have a ridiculous amount of stuff. Have said a few goodbyes now and am starting to get sad. I know I'm not going very far away, and I do love travelling and have never been homesick before, but this feels different. Probably because I'm going to do my degree which = stress, and because its more or less 7 years.......



Pic is just a few of my boxes.

I think its finally sunk in that I'm leaving.....eek!



Tuesday 4 September 2007

Balance

This is a post that I have wanted to write for a long time, but as soon as I start to think about it the arguments go around and around in my head and I give up on the idea!

Basically I want to talk about body weight. Over, and under, the two sides of the coin (and the debate).

As a young female, I would have to admit that weight, body size and shape are topics that are often not far from my mind. I stress over being "fat" frequently, have a horror of changing room mirrors and exposing my flesh. I know I am not alone in this, I know plenty of girls (and women) who do the same. But it still wrecks my head, because I don't think it should be this way, and with a BMI of 23, I know that it shouldn't be this way.

Then we have the other problem, obesity is on the rise (I even posted about it), and all the things that come with it (diabetes, heart disease; we all know what they are!) It is a fact that more of us are overweight than underweight. Walk down any street in Ireland and I am sure that you will see more people that you would grade as "fat" in your mind, than as "healthy".

So where is the balance? On the one hand we (women mostly I think, and please acknowledge that I am generalising hugely and that not everyone will agree) have this huge media and social pressure to be thin. There is a constant projection of thin =successful, thin=attractive, & thin=healthy around us, and so in our minds, thin=enviable,thin= desirable, thin =what we want to be. Remember girls, you can never be too rich or too thin. I say that not without a certain amount of bitterness.

I hate that I get upset about my figure, I hate the way I feel I would be better if I were thinner, I hate always feeling self-conscious about my body, I hate the way I dream up crazy weight-loss schemes in my head, I hate that I am jealous of friends who are slimmer than me, and worst of all I hate that fact that I am supposed to be beyond all this. Especially because going into health sciences, and being very aware of what constitutes "healthy", and having worked in countries where being thin meant that you were poor and/or ill, where food was so precious, having cared for a child who was so malnourished that their skin was peeling off, having seen real hunger.......... I really should know better.



















Two close friends of mine have battled with eating disorders, one of them had to be hospitalised. I doubt either of them even now having "overcome" will ever have a good mentality about food and bodyweight. They are both intelligent, together girls from good homes, who are going on to pursue high-flying careers. I know of maybe two or three others who were in my year at school. So how many out of the general population are suffering, tormented?

Recently I read an article on BBC about "pro-ana" and "pro-mia" groups on myspace and other networking sites where girls egged each other on to get thinner and thinner. Surely it couldn't be true could it? Being a member of MySpace I did a search there. What I found made me absolutely sick. It was all true and some of it was literally unbelievable. How could people think these things?? Almost all had warning labels along the lines of "If you are not serious about ana (anorexia) or are just going to disapprove, you may not join. Ana is a lifestyle choice not an illness" This was on one of the girls pages. Supposedly "thinspiration". Underneath it a girl had written "I love this vid...thanks for all the help!"
More thinpriation =)
Add to My Profile | More Videos


How could you look at these pictures and see perfection not illness. This video makes me really sad, and deeply uneasy. Check out this girls profile if you really want to feel queasy.

And then there's the other side of the coin. The fact that we are facing an obesity epidemic. Fact: Nearly two thirds of men and half of women in the UK are either overweight or obese. And that isn't good either is it? Officially there are 1bn overweight people in the world. At the same time as having fashion and the media push the thin is beautiful image at us, we have food and drinks companies pushing the "eat eat eat" idea at us. How many times have chocolate bar companies used the "go on, you deserve it" line to push high-calorie, nutritionally empty products at us?

Below the Mars Delight, specifically marketed to women, and containing 22okcals and 14g of fat.

Is it any surprise that people are ending up like this?




My question is where is the balance? How do we find a healthy middle ground? What is the future going to be? I cannot clear this subject in my own mind.

Love is wicked....

LOVE this song! (Courtesy of V) Diwali rhythm kills every time. And the dancers in the vid are amazing. (Vid is v sexy, if you are prudish don't watch!!)

Friday 31 August 2007

Hmm.....

You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat

You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.

Emotional

Last day was very sad. I got a beautiful pair of Swarovski crystal earrings and the sweetest card from everyone!


I wasn't expecting anything at all...so touched. All the doctors wished me the best, and there was lots of hugs from the secs. Oh, I hate goodbyes!

Wooooooooooo!!!!!


Today is my last day of work. Have to take a trip to the orthodontist, and then I'm in for a half day! I'm actually a little sad in some ways.. I'll miss the girls. But man alive I won't miss the smears!

Medicine is getting very close.

Got allocated my room yesterday, it would be the other side of campus to my faculty of course! Ah well, its still really nice. And omg, I can't believe this, but they have cleaners for the rooms!!! That's crazy! I feel so spoiled.

Monday 27 August 2007

Thursday 23 August 2007

Some news

First I would like to say thank you thank you thank you!!! To all the people who commented on my last post, it really does mean a lot. I'm glad to say I think things are working out. At least I hope so. I think sometimes shouting can be very cathartic..........

Not much else going on with me, countdown 2 weeks till I leave!!! Eek! And even better one week and one day till I finish work!!!! Can't wait! This week has been awful. Just as I thought I was getting really good at my job, I seem to regress back to the state of incompetent nicompoop par extroadinaire. So I'm glad the week is nearly over. It seems like I couldn't get anything right this week, even the charts hated me. Hmm....I wonder what effect positive thinking has on these kind of situations!

I think I accidentally called someone who wasn't actually pregnant pregnant today.....yikes. Note, in future, don't ask if its the maternity benefit form they have with them before they tell me what the form actually is.

Other things to write about, but feeling rather on the sleepy side o things, so I think I will head for bed! Goodnight to you all, wherever you are!

Sunday 19 August 2007

This is so pointless

I just had a huge fight with my closest friend.

I feel awful. I said "f***k you" as a parting line (not the smartest thing to do, I know), and while part of me regrets it, part of me feels like I wanted to say it for a long time.

I think what pushed me over the edge was the classic "I decided I don't need to be around people who are going to be so negative or act in such a way". And it was like, its always you you you isn't it? If someone isn't pushing all the right buttons and making a merry song and dance for you, then its bye-bye. Did it ever cross your mind that friendship is a two way thing? That the other person has feelings too?

"I was so hurt and insulted by blah blah blah" YOU were hurt? YOU were insulted? Why do you think I reacted the way I did If I wasn't hurt, insulted? But obviously your the only victim here as always.

Ugh, and I know plenty of it is my fault, but it really, really gets my back up to be delivered the line "I don't need people like that in my life". No, you don't need a person who has covered your ass countless times, always turned a sympathetic ear, always been there for you, and would go to the f*****g ends of the earth for you because they genuinely CARE about you. If thats how you think, then no, you don't need a person like that in your life, and having obviously wasted so much of my time, f***k you feels damn appropriate.

Its five o'clock in the morning. And I know this only going to be more difficult tomorrow.


Monday 13 August 2007

Oh me oh my.....

Got a huge pack of info from my Med School today, kinda freaked me out a little too..... Up till now I've just felt completely excited about going, but with an actual timetable in my hands it felt just a little scary... All those new people, that whole getting to know the scene thing all over again.... And its in another country, with no going home at the weekend.

I don't know why I'm being such a pussy, being away from home has never fazed me before.. I think its also because I'm not a huge "going out" person. I mean, I love going out to something good, with my friends, knowing I'm gonna be relaxed and have fun. But the whole going out to get "smashed" and all the girls in minuscule items of clothing and the general drunken leeriness....Just doesn't really float my boat. But maybe that's just because Dublin is especially bad for it. And a lot of the freshers week stuff is like that. I have to say though, the Uni MedSoc seems to have lots of other things going on, so hopefully all will be well! I know I'm fretting unnecessarily, it'll all be fine. So many people I'm gonna miss....

Oh the excitement/nervous anticipation......... woopee!!

Tuesday 7 August 2007

Seriously??????




SERIOUSLY?

WHY?????

Now usually I don't protest much about the whole science "messing with nature" thing because its usually a whole lot of hot air by some hippies.

But this really is taking things too far. See All Scrubbed Up for some good reasons why this is lunacy(and where I stole this blog topic from)

Geesh.

Saturday 4 August 2007

So um yeah.......

Its been a while allright! What with the job and having a Spanish student staying with us at the moment, i've been a little absent from the internet.

So whats new? Well, nothing much. I think the rain finally stopped after something like 64 consecutive days, which is a minor improvement. At least we haven't got the floods like the UK!

I am finishing my job in exactly one month, yipee!!! And then two weeks later Im off to med school. It feels really surreal, because I don't really believe that I'm actually going to train to be a doctor yet....but its getting closer and closer. It been a strange summer, without any holidays away, and I kinda wish I hadn't just worked for all of it. Soon it will be the dreaded winter again...... I just really hope I like my course enough not to mind!

So many things to do that I have been ignoring. Haven't bought flights over, don't know where I'm living, and haven't even thought about what to pack! Oh dear......

Its very strange, but it just so happens that basically all my friends are also moving away this year. I think its due to the ERASMUS effect, but its kinda weird, we're all preparing to emigrate at the same time. Except that I'll be gone for a lot longer of course....

I've been thinking an awful lot about medicine recently (well surprise surprise you say) , and not in a good way, but I blame it on the the job. I think I'm getting jaded and bitter, and I haven't even started yet ffs! We just get so much shit from people, and none of them seem to appreciate anything we do, it makes me wonder what being the actual doctor will be like. I hope that getting to treat will make the difference. I used to wonder how doctors could become so cynical and hardened, but now I completely get it. I just really hope that I can maintain enough of my enthusiasm not to be one of them. And sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision. Medicine takes you over, you basically sign away your life the minute you enrol, and sometimes I think that maybe I should consider doing something a little lighter, with less demands and responsibility. I wonder all the time if I'm up to the job.

But at the same time, I can't think of anything else I want to do. Veterinary is definitely out at this point I think. Do any of the other medstudents out there feel like this? Ugh, I blame the lack of sunlight on all this negativity.




Also, it seems that a lot of our patients have been quite ill (for once). Brain tumours, breast cancer, paranoid schizophrenia, ms, HIV, you name it, we got it! And its quite sad. It always seem to happen to the nice people too; why is life such a bitch like that?

As you can see, all joy and light here. Its a long weekend I should be happy!

Oh, and my own body is deciding to f**k me over at the moment. Now I've had chondromalacia patella for the last say 6 years, and it just gets worse and worse. I went to see a consultant, he was a lovely man, but he said "this is the most common knee disorder I see, we don't really know what causes it and there is basically nothing we can do to treat it, you can try the exercises, some people find it gives them some relief from the pain, but not everyone, and there is no cure". If I'm lucky I'll grow out of it. The one thing that really has helped are MBT's, they've made life bearable. Before I got them I was at my wits end. So if you have C.P, GO AND BUY A PAIR NOW!!! Seriously. They are incredibly ugly and expensive, but they are worth it a thousand times over.


But anyway, last 4 days for a reason unknown to me my left knee has been v swollen and painful, and then of course the pain travelled to my hip. I don't know why it does this, Im guessing some shared nerve pathway or something, but either way, when it does, I'm seriously sore. Sitting hurts, standing hurts, walking hurts, everything hurts!!!! And I know that there are people much worse off, with terrible incurable conditions, I know! But I'm only 19, and I feel like I have the joints of a 90 yr old. My granny is more limber than me. And no one can tell me why, and none of the fookin dr's will give me pain relief!!!! I just want to function!!!! Anyway, I'm going to the doc on wed, lets pray I get some anti-inflammatories this time. Not just the old "take paracetamol(acetaminophen)" IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!!

So that's my moan. And there's lots of it! Apologies to all.

Someone tell me something happy, please!


Sunday 15 July 2007

Good news, for once

Just saw this article today, I think its amazing! Its so good to see a political leader taking a step that could actually make a real difference to the spread of HIV. Stigma is such a big problem, I think if more leaders stood up and said they got tested, or admitted if they have HIV, people would not be as afraid of HIV. Its fear that keeps this disease going. Fear of being ostracised when positive, fear of telling you partner to use protection, fear of rejection by your family and partner if you test positive, and the fear of the disease that makes people ignore it, pretend it isn't happening.



Cheers Kikwete, lets hope you're the first of many.

Saturday 7 July 2007

Another girl gone..

A British child has been kidnapped in the Niger Delta. Margaret Hill is the 3yr old daughter of a Nigerian mother and an English father. She was taken on her way to school in Port Harcourt.

I didn't hear this on the radio. I didn't see it on the front page of the paper. I don't see any posters in windows, any petitions on peoples blogs.

But what is so different about this case to the abduction of Madeline McCann? Ok, yes, its a kidnapping, and the parents have been contacted by the kidnappers, but they still don't know where their child is, or if she is dead or alive, or if they will ever see their baby again. Just like Madeline McCanns parents.

Now please don't get me wrong here, I think its terrible what happened to Madeline. I hope as much as anyone else that she is returned safely to her parents. And if all the media coverage and public awareness helps, then so much the better.

But what about the other children that go missing every day? Is it right that no one notices them? That they don't get the same publicity? Are their lives somehow less valuable?

Thursday 5 July 2007

Apologies

For the lack of blogging on my part. I realise there are a few tumbleweed taking up residency on my blog.

I've seen and thought of many things to blog about in the last while (junkie patients, medicine observations, thoughts on life blah blah blah) but I'm afraid I haven't had the energy to follow through.

Still pining over the stupid boy, and knackered from work.....so it may be a while....

Here's a pretty pic of the desert my blog has become...

Saturday 30 June 2007

Weird...

Stole this from Xavier, look what I got as no.1!

Rank Speciality Score
1 paediatrics 46
2 plastic surgery 45
3 gastroenterology 43
4 general internal med 42
5 neurology 42
6 infectious disease 41
7 physical med & rehabilitation 41
8 obstetrics/gynecology 41
9 nuclear med 41
10 general surgery 41
11 psychiatry 41
12 neurosurgery 40
13 endocrinology 40
14 cardiology 40
15 dermatology 40
16 ophthalmology 40
17 occupational med 39
18 pathology 39
19 otolaryngology 38
20 thoracic surgery 38
21 allergy & immunology 38
22 colon & rectal surgery 37
23 anaesthesiology 37
24 family practice 37
25 rheumatology 37
26 nephrology 37
27 urology 37
28 radiology 36
29 orthopaedic surgery 36
30 aerospace med 35
31 haematology 34
32 pulmonology 34
33 emergency med 34
34 radiation oncology 33
35 med oncology 33
36 preventive med 31

Plastics though, seriously no way!!! And I'm not really interested in surgery all that much either. Still, infectious disease was no.6! Big up the tropical medicine! Take it yourself here.