Feeling rather tragic

The b****rd broke my heart again. And did I say anything? No. Took it meekly like a fool. I should have slapped him.

Thoughts from Kubatana

Some really interesting stuff on Kubatana this week.

I thought the article on "small houses" was really interesting. Especially because through my experiences in Zambia, I had decided that one of the greatest problems with the spread of HIV was unfaithful partners, and in most cases, the man in a relationship. It seemed that the women just expected that their husband would take another woman as a matter of course. Although they usually didn't know about it, and so were unable to protect themselves. And what can you do anyway? If you want to build a family with your husband, have normal sexual relations etc., you can't refuse sex or insist on condoms. You can't even know if he is sleeping with someone else. And so women who married as virgins and have remained faithful end up HIV+. The worst part is that they usually don't know this.

I remember the story of one of the nurses in the hospice in Zambia. Her baby had died. She didn't know why. Then her husband died. After death it was revealed he had died from AIDS. He had not got it from her. And now she discovered she was HIV+ too. Remarkably she wasn't angry with him. She just wished he had told her. She asked, "why didn't he tell me he was sick? Now I know why our baby died. And if only he had told me, I would have supported him, we could have got treatment, our baby could have been saved. I loved him so much, I wouldn't have been angry."

ABC fails married women, because it doesn't matter if they adhere to it.



Another really interesting thing on Kubatana was the article on endangered species. They have a good point. But at the same time I know that animals are important, because they are a part of the people's heritage too. But where do you draw the line when the people are starving and abused? This was one of my big mental debates when thinking about changing from Vet to Med. In my heart I care greatly about animals, and I hate to see them suffer and be abused. And I wondered if it really was better to care for the species that cannot speak for themselves. Also because in terms of development, animals are critical. And work by organisations such as Heifer International and Bothar (pronounced Bow-Hr, is the Irish word for road) is so important for providing long-term solutions to poverty. So which side do you choose? In the end I went for people. And I think its really because of a very selfish reason. I felt in myself that if I went to the developing world (because I do really really want to work abroad when I qualify) and worked as a vet, that the guilt would eat away at me. I couldn't live with myself if I walked past crowds of hungry sick children to help a cat, no matter how much I care about cats. Is it the right/better decision? I don't really know. And its still something I debate even though I have made my choice.

What do you think?

What a week

Man alive I am exhausted!

For some reason this week just went on and on and on.....really did not enjoy work. SO many rude and difficult people on the phone, and I was not in the mood to take it. But, you gotta be the cheery receptionist, so one grins and bears it.

Its gonna be some weekend too! V's birthday was Thursday night, babysitting last night, party tonight, and dancehall styles club tomorrrow! I'm going to be the living dead on monday.....

Oh, and it seems like we are in for something akin to the biblical flood here. It has not stopped raining for a whole week. Every day, the deluge continues. Tiny streams have burst their banks. And its nearly July. It was supposed to be the hottest summer on record. Hah.

Event of the day

Lots of drama this morning, but I missed almost all of it!

Came into work for 10 as per usual, and noticed that a lot of the shops down the street were shut, and people were standing outside. Went into the practice, all is darkness. Apparently we've had a power cut. Can hardly see the other secretaries enveloped in gloom behind the desk. It was eerily quiet. No telephones, no computers, no till and hardly any patients either because they couldn't book in by phone. Pretty nice actually.....

Unfortunately, the reason for the cut was pretty bad. A man who had been working in the street had accidentally cut into an underground power cable, and got FRIED. Luckily he survived, but he had some pretty bad burns. The drama part is that he was brought into our practice where one of our doctors attended to him as best she could. He was then sent off to the hospital and one of the doctors managed to get an update later today from the burns unit who said he is doing fine and hopefully wont need grafts!

So the minute I arrived today I was sent out to get as many battery powered light sources as I could find. Soon we were all bathed in a dim glow, gave the place quite a strange atmosphere! Myself and M made shadow animals on the wall.......

Alas, the peace was not to last. All at once the lights came on, the phone started to scream and the alarm went off.

After that it was a VERY LONG DAY.

Got the angriest I have ever been with a patient today. Someone phones up, and complains to me that his symptoms have got worse since he saw the doctor yesterday, and that the antibiotics don't seem to be working. He wants to know if the doctor gave him the right kind and dose of antibiotics because he's not better yet. Well, I say, it is rather soon considering he has been on the abc's for less than 24 hours and he might really want to give it a bit longer before coming back, it could take a day or three. (tersely) "But my symptoms are getting WORSE!!!!" (He obviously wasn't too ill to shout at me). Well, you can see another doctor if you wish, I do have appointments free today. " WHAT??? SO I'D HAVE TO PAY ANOTHER €55?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!." Well, yes, that is the consultation fee. "CAN'T THEY JUST SEND ME ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION" Well, sorry but no, the doctor can't diagnose you without actually examining you....

*peevish noises on the phone*

Tell you what, I'll make a note of what the doctor prescribed you and check if it strong or correct dose or whatever anything to shut you up you moan bag..

So I do. He's on Distaclor, 375mgX2, BD. I show this to another doctor. "That's a very strong dose, and its less than 24 hours, it'll take a few days"

Called him back, phone wasn't even on. I left the politest voicemail I could muster.

YARGH!!!

I guess this is just the start of my encounters with people....Roll on late nights in A&E!

Thing is, most people couldn't be nicer, or more appreciative of your help on the phone. And most people realise that you are busy, you are tired, and you are running a damn good service and will do your very best to help them with whatever problem they have. And most people realise that a) you are not a doctor, and b) the doctors have other patients besides them, and do not sit around all day waiting for them to call. Most people....

The thaw

All is well.

I am filled with so much relief and happiness and gratitude for the things I have not lost. And we swear it shall never happen again......

Thank you for your kind messages, especially Lis, you cheered me up no end.

What shall we ever do?

What do you do when a rift appears with no warning between you and someone whose friendship you value above all others?

When the days of uncomfortable silences lengthen into weeks. When you find them gone somewhere without inviting you. When they choose the company of other people. When they don't return your messages. And all of it you don't know why.

At the back of your mind is this vague discomfort that something is not right. It presses heavy in your chest, squeezes out sadness when it comes to mind, arouses a fleeting panic.

And afraid of worse, of a total loss, you say nothing, do nothing, pretend all is well,telling yourself the frost will thaw, that all will be well, that it must be well.

And at the same time you wonder if this is it, the last divide, and if this is the point where you sigh and say to yourself "all things come to an end", and move on.

But that though fills you with a sickening dread, because you know without their companionship to share you are less you, and you are not happy. And you cannot let go, move on because of the things that bind you together.

Day by day the unhappiness grows, and with it the confusion and hurt turn to anger. You know you are not blameless, you know you are imperfect, capable of hurt and malice and jealousy and all the things that tear people apart, and yet in your memory you can find no cause.

So what do you do? Apologise, beg, plead for forgiveness for something you are not sure of? Or carry on, waiting and hoping?

I don't know. But its starting to weigh too heavy.

you MUST read this

I have just finished "Half of A Yellow Sun".

And I feel bereft, hollowed out and full of longing for the people I met and lost among its pages.

This is one of the best books I have ever read, it is as good as The Poisonwood Bible, my all time favourite.

Adichie's writing is fluent, absorbing, and this book will not leave you for a long time. I love how real her stories are, the intertwining paths of the book lead you on with them; in a page you are there, and it is your own suffering, joy, disgust and ecstasy that unfolds.

I am ashamed to say I knew nothing of the Biafran war, why it happened or how, but its horrors resonate with the thought that the same wars continue even now. And this book lets you see how it is to be an ordinary person trapped in a war you did not encite. It is not about the politics, it is about the people, about the ordinary, and in this it triumphs over your heart. It is an immensely powerful work.

And in finishing, I quote the authors final words

"May we always remember"


Above, author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie